Zotz!
Zotz?
What's Zotz?
(ALARM RINGING)
(INHALING DEEPLY) One.
Two.
Three.
(RATTLING)
Uncle Jonathan.
(RATTLING CONTINUES)
(GROANS)
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
CYNTHIA: Morning, Uncle Jonathan.
Morning, darling
(HUMMING)
Poison. Slow death.
Yes, but what a way to go.
Straight sauerkraut juice!
How do you do it? Very bracing.
You must try it sometime.
How's the wheat germ?
(CRUNCHING)
Sounds good.
(DOORBELL CHIMES) Superb.
Oh, that must be the mailman. No, I'll get it.
I'm expecting a journal of the American Etymological Society.
(DOOR OPENS)
Anything for me?
Just a postcard from your vacationing parents. Hey, Venice, very pretty
Nothing from Eddie? Eddie? Who's Eddie?
You know very well who Eddie is. Eddie Prentiss.
One of your brightest pupils last term.
Prentiss. Prentiss.
The boy who won a fellowship and went on an archaeological expedition to Uk... Uk...
Uh, Ukranistan?
Yes. That is from Eddie.
Only teasing you, darling.
Oh, look, a present. It's a charm bracelet.
Mmm, it's very pretty. What does Prentiss have to say?
Just a lot of personal stuff. You know.
I know.
But he says he'll be home soon.
They found the ruins they were looking for.
Mmm. Excellent.
In fact, the charm on the bracelet is some ancient coin
he found in a temple they uncovered there.
It was attached to the right hand of a gigantic stone idol, he says.
It's a relic from some ancient civilization. Isn't that exciting?
Mmm.
(CAR HONKING)
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
(CAR HONKING)
"Shesh, shash."
(CAR HONKING)
(EXCLAIMS)
Shesh, shash.
Jones! Morning, Kellgore.
You almost ran me down.
Oh, I'm very sorry. But I didn't, did I?
No, but you ca me awfully close.
Please accept my apologies, old man. Shesh, shash.
Uh, what'd you say?
What? Say? Oh, nothing, Kellgore, nothing.
Well, it sounded like you said "shesh, shash."
Oh, yes, I did. Quite right.
Yes. Shesh, shash.
Morning, Kellgore. Morning, Jones.
(CHATTERING)
Good morning.
STUDENTS: Good morning, Professor.
Yesterday, we considered the transmutation of certain words
from the Assyro Babylonic.
And we noted that the Assyro Babylonic word for house, bitu,
appears in the classical Hebrew as...
As what, Mr. Crane?
Uh, bayeth.
Well, almost right, Mr. Crane. Thank you.
The correct pronunciation is bayeth.
And who can tell us what form the word takes in Aramaic?
Yes, Miss Blakiston?
Baytha
Quite right, Miss Blakisto Thank you.
You could build a tremendous edifice of error
based on the fact that the Hebrew and Sanskrit words for "six"
are almost identical, although wholly unrelated.
They are, if I may remind you, sheshand shash.
Shesh, shash?
Uh, yes, sir. Right in the middle of the campus, this morning. Shesh, shash
Professor Kellgore, I don't think we need worry ourselves.
Professor Jones is a very brilliant man in the field of ancient Eastern languages,
as you are brilliant in the field of modern European languages.
I think we can allow him a few little peculiarities, hmm?
Sir, I'm sure that Professor Jones is excellent in the classroom.
Well, then?
But his executive ability...
Could Saracen Valley have a dean of language
who goes around muttering "shesh, shash"?
Hmm. Well, I haven't retired yet, Professor,
nor have I named my successor.
It's still a choice between you and Professor Jones.
Then you haven't decided yet?
Not yet.
Then you'll take this "shesh, shash"matter under consideration?
Oh, I will, I will.
Thank you, Professor. Good morning.
Good morning, Dean. Good morning.
(DOOR CLOSES)
Shesh, shash.
Uncle Jonathan?
Yes.
How was your day? Oh, fine.
What's for dinner? Filet of eggplant?
Filet of eggplant. Medium rare?
Of course. Ah!
(SNIFFING) Mmm.
(LAUGHS)
Oh, pass the monosodium glutamate, please.
Thank you.
Say, you know, dear, he really shouldn't have sent this to you.
That's rightfully the property of...
Why, it's Astyparaean! Asty what?
Hey, that's mine. Yes, yes, I know.
But if you don't... It's from Eddie.
It's like a fraternity pin or an engagement ring.
But you don't understand, darling.
That inscription is in the ancient Astyparaean language.
Am I supposed to know what that is?
It's a language that's been dead for over 5,000 years.
Why, there are only 10 men in the world who can identify it, much less translate it.
And I can. But...
Now, look, dear, maybe this inscription is an ancient love poem.
Something Eddie would want you to hear, hmm?
Well... Ah, yes, of course.
"First graspeth thou the sacred disk in thy left hand.
"Now cometh the letting of, letting of..."
(GRUNTS)
Letting of...
Blood, of course. "Letting of blood.
"And the drinking. .. Drinking of blood."
(CLICKING TONGUE)
"Now remaineth only the pronouncing
"of the sacred...
"Sacred name of the great god, Zotz!"
No! Please! Please! Let me in!
Please! You can't leave me out in this storm. Not like this.
(GASPS)
Put this on quickly!
Oh. Thanks.
You're welcome. Now, please go.
Like this? Well, you can't stay here.
But I have to. It's the most amazing thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm not going to embarrass you by asking you how you got into this condition.
After all, I'm a man of the world.
I was struck by lightning. You were what?
Well, I was hurrying along, trying to beat out this sudden storm, when...
Well, I think I was struck by lightning.
Mmm. I have heard of cases where people were struck
by lightning and had their clothes torn off without hurting them.
Usually these people were branded by the mark of the bolt.
I seem to be all right.
Oh, I'm glad to hear it. But you can't stay here.
I mean, I'm a bachelor. I don't have a wife. I'm not married.
Well, what can I do?
(STAMMERING) Do? What can you do? I don't... My niece!
I'll wake her up. Uh, no.
She might think... I mean, not that she'd have any real... I mean...
I'll go upstairs and get some of her clothes. They'll probably fit.
I think you're about the same size. Anyway, you wait right here.
Oh, I will. I will.
Uncle Jonathan?
Oh, it's all right, dear. Go back to sleep.
Well, what... (STAMMERING) Nothing. Just let it go.
There. Now, please go!
Well, can I put them on first?
Oh, oh, yes, of course. I'll, uh, turn my back.
Oh, thanks.
You haven't asked me my name.
No, I haven't. Uh, I thought it was better that way.
I agree.
Do they, uh, fit?
Most of them.
The shoes are a little big, and the...
Something else is a little small, but I'll get by.
What? Oh, yes. You can turn around now.
(LAUGHS) Will I do?
Well, at least you won't be cold.
I want to thank you. Not only for what you did,
but for what you're going to do.
Going to do?
Forget about this. Oh, yes, yes, of course. Of course.
Oh, you'd better take this with you.
Oh. Oh, no, it's stopped.
It has?
Why, so it has. Odd.
"So foul and fair a day I have not seen."
That's Shakespeare.
Macbeth,Act One, I know.
You do? Uh-huh.
Well. Good night.
Uh, good night.
Macbeth.Act One.
And there are other basic affinities in the languages of this group.
For example, in all of them, ancient and modern,
masculine nouns take a feminine number, and vice versa, from three to 10.
Who can give us an example of this grammatical idiosyncrasy?
Yes, Mr. Crane?
(GROANING)
Are you all right, Mr. Crane? Would you like to be excused?
Uh, no. I'm all right now.
Uh, it must have been something I ate.
Uh, an example. The word for "goat," for instance, is
masculine, but three goats is feminine.
Oh, very good, Mr. Crane. That's quite right.
And now, who can tell us in what parts of the modern world
the Turkish language is spoken?
Yes, Miss Blakiston.
(GROANING)
(CHATTERING)
Actually, although it's not generally known,
Osmanli is the head of a large family of tongues.
The Turkish language in its several dialects is spoken from Central Persia to...
Is something wrong, Professor Jones?
Uh, wrong? Oh, no, no, Miss Blakiston.
From Central Persia to Siberia.
The dialects sometimes differ greatly.
For example...
Uh, that's fine, Miss Blakiston, thank you.
But I haven't finished.
Class dismissed.
(CHATTERING)
(GROANS)
(SIGHS)
"Thus is gained the ancient threefold power,
"the first part of which is that
"of the pointing finger,
"known as the power of the sudden pain."
The sudden pain.
My goodness.
"The second part of which is that
"of the uttered name,
"known as the power
"of retarded movement."
(CLEARING THROAT)
Zotz!
Mercy sakes.
"The third and last part of which is that of the
"pointing finger and the uttered name together."
Well...
Zotz!
The silent death.
"He who holdeth this sacred disk shall be
"imbued with this dreaded threefold power
"only so long as it remains in his possession.
"And should it pass into the hands of another,
"that other will hold the power
"for a short time only."
Hmm.
(SQUEAKING)
(CHATTERING)
Zotz!
Good afternoon, Jones.
Oh, hello, Kellgore.
Uh, what have you got ther It looks like a lizard.
Lizard? Where? Oh, this. Oh, this lizard. Oh, yes.
Yes, a remarkable example of saurian life.
Yes, direct descendant of the dinosaur.
Is that so? I didn't kno w you were interested in that sort of thing.
Oh, yes. Yes, indeed. Fascinating subject.
Mmm. You don't say.
Oh, incidentally, Jones, I suppose you've met our new colleague, Professor Fenster?
No, I haven't. What's Professor Fenster's field?
Modern European languages, or so I'm told.
Why, that's your field.
Yes, it is. One might almost think they're considering,
what do you call it? Kicking me upstairs.
(BOTH LAUGH)
Yeah. Or downstairs.
Yes. Well, toodle-oo, Jone Have fun with your dinosaur.
(LAUGHS)
Toodle-oo.
Zotz!
Extraordinary!
Zo...
(CLEARS THROAT)
Professor Jones, are you feeling all right?
Yes, sir, never better. Yes.
I understand you dismissed your class early today?
Why, yes, yes. I gave them a heavy assignment for the weekend.
I thought I'd better let them get to the library before it closed
But the library is open until 8:00 tonight.
8:00? Oh, yes, so it is. Yes. Hard to keep up with these new rules.
That rule's been in effect ever since 1918. But no matter.
I'm glad I ran across you.
I want to invite you for cocktails this evening in my lodgings.
Oh, how nice.
I want you and the other members of the faculty to meet a new colleague.
Oh, Professor Fenster?
Oh, then you've met?
No, no.
Oh, well, in that case, may we expect you at 6:00?
Oh, yes, yes, indeed. Yes, sir.
Excellent. Splendid. Oh, and, Professor?
Yes, Dean.
Don't work too hard.
JONATHAN: Zotz!
Amazing.
Uncle Jonathan.
Better hurry if you're going to make that cocktail party at 6:00.
Yeah. Would you get me that package on my bureau, darling?
What's in it?
Oh, just some things I bought downtown. Thank you.
I won't be here when you get back, so don't wait up.
You have a date? Uh-huh. Jimmy.
Jimmy who? Jimmy Kellgore.
He's not much, but he' ll do till Eddie gets home.
Jimmy Kellgore! Horatio Kellgore's boy?
Yes. Oh, it's not serious or anything like that. It's just a date.
Not a date, date. But Kellgore's son.
Oh, Jimmy's all right. Kind of a wolf, but I can handle him.
Zotz!
You'd better hurry, Uncle Jonathan.
(CAR HONKING)
(HONKING CONTINUES)
All right, I'm coming.
Cynthia, baby. Well, are you all ready to go?
Anytime you are. Okay.
(PEOPLE CHATTERING)
Ah, Professor Jones. How nice of you to come. Will you have a martini?
Oh, no, thank you, sir.
Uh, I don't suppose you have any sauerkraut juice?
Why, no, I don't think. Uh, my... Persephone? Yes?
Do we happen to have any sauerkraut juice?
Sauerkraut juice? I don't think so.
Oh, perhaps we could get you a soft drink, Professor?
That would be fine, Mrs. Updike.
Take Hercules for a moment, please, Joshua.
And get rid of that pipe. You know it makes Hercules ill.
There we are. Thank you, Mrs. Updike.
Get rid of that pipe
Uh, yes, thanks. Will you take Hercules? Thank you so much.
Professor, if you only knew how much
the dean and I admire your abstinence from strong drink,
your sensible diet, your devotion to exercise.
As the ancients said, Mens sana in corpore sano.
Oh, yes, indeed.
I think of you as one of the great and classic educators of yore.
Plato, Aristotle, in flowing robes, stately,
sober, dignified.
(CHUCKLES)
Roaming the groves of academe, dispensing wisdom and knowledge.
And now, please come and meet the new member of our faculty.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Professor Fenster, I'd like you to meet Professor Jonathan Jones
ancient Eastern languages.
Glad to meet you, Professor Jones.
(STAMMERING) I... Charmed.
Joshua. Yes, my dear.
Please take Hercules. Yes, a pleasure.
There we are. Now you'll excuse me, please.
Oh, certainly. Yes. Of course.
By George, that's a beautiful cat.
(CLEARS THROAT) Yes, isn't it?
He loves strangers. Would you like to hold him?
(CHUCKLES) Uh...
Dean?
Let me get this straight. You are Professor Fenster?
Well, my friends call me Virginia.
And to think you're the famous Jonathan Jones.
Oh, well, not so famous. Not so famous?
Why, everybody in the field is familiar with your doctorate thesis
on the transmutation of the Latin "F" to "B" in Teutonic languages.
Well, that was quite a while ago.
And I simply devoured your latest book.
Really? The Semantics of Dionysius of Halicarnassus?
Yes. I could hardly put it down.
Well. But I thought your field was modern languages, like Professor Kellgore's.
Oh, well, it is. Oh.
But I've also studied ancient Eastern languages.
Like me. Like you.
I see. Very interesting. Very.
Uh, tell me, of these two specialties, Professor Fenster...
Virginia.
Of these two specialties, Virginia, which will you utilize here?
Well, I wish I knew. The dean told me I was to prepare myself for either course.
He said he has an important decision to make.
But really, Professor Jones...
Jonathan.
Really, I think it's so fascinating to meet the author of those wonderful books.
You can teach me so much.
I warn you, you're going to see a lot of me.
Yes, well, I've already seen a lot of you, Virginia.
You were going to forget all about that, remember?
Ah, forgive me. I stand corrected.
Then those charming translations of the French fabliau were yours?
Yes. I loved doing them.
I loved reading them.
Been hunting any dinosaurs lately, Jones?
Not lately.
(LAUGHING)
What on earth did he mean by that?
I haven't the faintest idea.
What's she hanging around there for? Oh, what a kook. If...
(SHUSHING) Quiet
You wouldn't be afraid to be in that house alone with old Jim here, would ya?
Jimmy, you promised.
Oh, come on. Jimmy! Stop it!
Oh, well, you're safe with me.
That's what you think.
(HORN HONKING)
What's the matter?
I don't know
I'm okay now, though. Are you sure?
Let's just wat ch the movie, huh?
Gladly.
At Harvard, I was a history major, actually.
Then I narrowed my specialty to the Asianic cultures.
Under Professor Sandor?
Yes. A wonderful old man.
He stimulated my interest in ancient languages.
Sanskrit, Hebrew, Astyparaean.
Astyparaean! That reminds me.
Excuse me for a moment, I must speak to the dean on an important matter.
Sir?
Oh, hello, my boy. How are you getting along with Professor Fenster?
Oh, fine, sir. Splendid.
A most talented young lady.
Yes, she is. But I have something I want to discuss with you
Oh? Very well.
Yes, sir. I had to tell someone. It's so important,
and, well, you're the only one to whom I could turn.
Then by all means, my boy.
Well, sir, it's this power I have.
Power? Yes, sir
The power to disable, even to kill.
Kill?
I know it sounds fantastic, and it's going to be very hard for you to believe, but...
Well, I really don't know where to begin.
May I make a suggestion? Please do.
Begin at the beginning, go on until you come to the end.
Then stop.
No, I think it would be better if I begin at the end and work back.
In fact, that's why I brought these along.
I knew I'd have a hard time convincing you without proof
so on the way over I stopped in at a pet shop.
(MICE SQUEAKING) Great Scott, Jones. Those are mice, aren't they?
Just white mice, sir. But...
They're absolutely essenti to my demonstration, sir.
What demonstration?
The demonstration of the power of Zotz
Zotz? Yes, sir. Zotz.
And if you will allow me
Well, I most certainly will not allow you.
Do you mean to tell me you intend to let these creatures out here?
Yes, sir.
Have you taken leave of your senses?
d, Trust me, sir. Within one split second after those mice are release
they will be motionles s, harmless, lifeless.
Zotz! Zotz! Zotz! Jones!
Ellen Mae, what a lovely cake.
It's beautiful.
I just can't wait to taste it.
(ALL SCREAMING)
(LAUGHS)
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Zotz!
Zotz! Zotz!
(LAUGHING)
Zotz! Zotz!
(SCREAMING)
(LAUGHING)
Zotz! Zotz!
(SCREAMS)
Zotz! Zotz!
(WOMAN SCREAMING)
Zotz!
It's all right, dear. Everything's all right.
(SIGHS) Thank you very much.
(SCREAMS)
(MEOWING)
(SNARLING)
Zotz, I said! Zotz! Z-O-T-Z, Zotz!
Jones! Come up.
Why have you done this?
I don't understand. It worked before.
I simply pointed while the coin was in my pocket.
What coin? This one
The coin that I... I'm sure I have it.
Oh, no! Cynthia! She must have taken it.
What about Cynthia? Why, this is terrible.
She's going out tonight. She doesn't know the power she possesses.
Jones! I... Excuse me, sir.
I must stop her. I demand...
(MICE SQUEAKING)
Check.
Cynthia? Cynthia? Cynthia?
(DOORBELL CHIMES)
Cynthia? Oh. Hello, Virginia.
Jonathan. Is something wrong?
Yes, something is terribly wrong.
Well, what is it? Can I help?
No, nobody can help. Wait a minute. Have you got your car?
Yes. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go.
Where to?
I don't know. First Street, I guess.
And keep your eye peeled for a hot rod
containing a very pretty girl and the son of Horatio Kellgore.
What is this all about?
Well, there's this little...
You wouldn't believe it. You wouldn't believe it.
Say, I know a cozy, little spot where we could...
Just a soda, please.
Just a soda. Yeah, I get the message.
There they are.
Where do you want to go?
How about the Sip and Dip?
Let's see, the Sip and Dip. That's north of here, isn't it?
No. It's south.
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
No, no. No, no, no!
I'm sure the ice cream parlor is that way.
Okay.
Follow that car!
(BRAKES SCREECHING)
Cynthia! Hi, Uncle Jonathan.
What are you doing here? Cynthia, come home at once.
What?
Come home at once. Never mind.
Stay right there. I'll get you.
It's all right, darling. Come along with me.
But Uncle Jonathan! No arguments.
Well, we were only going over to the... Stop!
Excuse me. Don't do that. Why?
Because it's not polite to point. Huh?
Come along, darling. You'd better let me have this, too.
And after all that, he say "It's not polite to point."
Uh, that's all?
That's all. What a kook!
Yeah, very interesting. Well, thank you, my boy. Run along to bed.
Okay. Good night, Dad. Good night.
Good morning, darling. Good morning.
(HUMMING)
(CLICKING TONGUE) Poison. Slow death.
Uncle Jonathan. Yes.
All that stuff you said last night about the coin...
What were you drinking at the dean's party?
Soda pop, of course. What are you implying?
Well, it's all a little hard to swallow, you know.
That stuff about ancient magic and the pointing finger and...
What was that word again?
Never mind.
Uncle Jonathan, have you been feeling all right?
Of course I have. I'm in the pink of condition.
Well, then, why do you have an appointment with the doctor this morning?
Doctor? I have no appointment with a doctor.
Yes, you do. At 9:00.
Miss Carruthers of the medical staff phoned to remind you when you were in the shower.
She said the dean made the appointment.
Really? That's odd.
Ah, it must be the annual physical checkup. Good idea, actually.
Mens sana in corpore sano, you know.
What?
Sound mind in a sound body.
9:00, you said? I'd better be on my way. Bye, darling.
Bye.
Uh, good morning. I'm Professor Jones.
Oh, good morning, Professor. You can go right in. Dr. Kroner's expecting you.
Thank you.
Good morning, Dr. Kroner. Pleasure to meet you.
I'm Jones, ancient Eastern languages.
Sit down, Professor.
It's a very sensib le thing, checkups.
As I was saying to my niece only this morning,
Mens sana in corpore sano.
Quite.
I think you'll find me in top condition.
Exercise, a sensible diet, don't drink, don't smoke.
Professor Jones, I think perhaps...
These are my own. Every single one
Hearing, perfect. Vision, 20/20. Blood pressure..
Sir! ...seven. Yes?
Please put your clothes back on
and then make yourself comfortable on the couch.
Put my clothes... Put them back... Oh!
Very well, if you wish. I simply thought that I... Couch?
Yes. Just lie down and relax.
You mean you're that kind of a doctor?
(CHUCKLING)
Now, don't worry about a thing, Professor.
The dean sent me to you? He thinks I'm crazy?
Now, now, now, now. Crazy's an unfortunate word, don't you agree?
I certainly do! And if you think I'm going to submit to an examination by a...
Do you always react so violently?
Violently?
Why, no. Not at all. In fact, I'm a quiet man
Studious.
Oh, I see, quiet and studious sometimes and violent at other times.
Almost like two different people, hmm?
Now, look here. If you're trying to say I'm schizophrenic...
Oh. Do you feel that I'm persecuting you?
No!
It all began when my niece received a charm bracelet.
Oh, Professor Kellgore.
Professor Fenster.
Do you know where I might find Professor Jones this morning?
I have a little translation problem
I'd like to discuss with him.
Jones? Jones?
No, I haven't seen him since the cocktail party yesterday evening.
(LAUGHS) Behaved very peculiarly, didn't he?
Perhaps I can help.
Well, I'm afraid it's in t field of ancient languages Professor Kellgore.
Call me Horatio.
(BELL RINGING)
Well, I must run. Thanks, anyway.
Please continue, Professor.
That's all there is to tell.
Yes.
Now, if I understand you correctly,
you say that you're actually able to destroy living creatures
by pointing your finger at them
and speaking this word, "Zotz."
Yes, but only if the coin is on my person.
Don't you see that all this is mere delusion?
Delusion? Why, I've seen it with my own eyes.
A line of people on the sidewalk, mown down as if by a machine gun.
Hallucination.
It was not hallucination
And there was the moth and the cat and the ships
and the squirrel and the dinosaur
The dinosaur, Professor?
I mean, the lizard. Just a little lizard, you know.
Yes. Yes, of course. It was a baby dinosaur, wasn't it?
Yeah, it was... No, no, no.
Professor Jones, you're an intelligent man and I won't try to humor you
But surely you can understand that these delusions of yours
are merely a result of your repressed hostility,
your aggressive feelings toward society.
I have no aggressive feeling toward society, Dr. Kroner.
I must confess, at this moment, however,
I have aggressive feelings toward you.
(CHUCKLES) Well, that's a perfectly normal reaction.
As a matter of fact, you're a classic case.
I will not be referred to as a "classic case!"
Sir, this power of yours does not exist.
It does exist!
Then show me. What?
Show me. Convince me.
Demonstrate this horrible force,
this power you have over life and death.
Very well. But what shall I demonstrate it on?
Me.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
Why not? Well, it would cause you pain.
Well, now why should that concern you?
You've already said that you have aggressive feelings toward me.
Here's your chance to unleash them.
Oh, I can't.
Of course you can't. Because this power is not real.
It is. It's imaginary.
It's not. Not what?
Not real. I mean imaginary.
There, you see? You can't distinguish between reality and imagination.
I'm sorry, Doctor, but there's no other way
(LAUGHS) You put on a good act, Professor.
Remember, you brought this on yourself.
Go ahead. Take out your hostility on me.
It will do you a world of good.
(LAUGHING)
(GROANING)
I was doubled over, like this.
It was very painful.
Perhaps he hypnotized you.
Well, I know a bit more abou hypnosis than you do, Dean,
and I can assure you I was not hypnotized
Then, how do you explain it?
Very simple. Appendicitis
I shall enter the hospital the first thing in the morning.
No, no. Of course not, my boy.
It's simply that I think you need a rest.
Sir, I'm in perfect health.
Go away for a few days. A week.
Please, sir, if you'd only listen to me
Go someplace to relax. Take a trip.
A trip?
Yes.
A trip.
Well, I think you'd better try Lieutenant Stefanski, sir.
He may be able to help you.
You don't understand
I don't want him to help m I want to help him.
Yes, sir. But you'd better see the lieutenant anyway.
You'll find him in 3C-4L-3-S-19.
Three C... It's very simple, sir.
You see, this building has five sides, A, B, C, D and E.
Now 3C means the third floor of side C. That way.
That way.
The next number tells you what corridor to take.
Four. That's right over there.
Over there.
The second three means the third court,
then, S-19 is the 19th stanchion on your left.
You can't miss it, sir.
Thank you. What was that floor again?
Third floor, sir. Third floor.
You see, Lieutenant Stefanski, they sent me in to see you, but...
Professor Jones, I'm afraid the army isn't interested.
There are many such suggestions that come across my desk every day,
and we are not interested.
(GROANS) Now you listen to me...
Oh, now be reasonable, Henry. I handled the last one.
That screwball with the steam-operated machine gun. It's your turn now.
What do you mean, you've got a stomach ache?
What about Lieutenant Stefanski? Captain Byron? Major Foulger?
They've all got stomach aches?
I tell you, it's that lousy food they serve in the cafeteria.
All right. All right, send him over.
(SIGHS)
(KNOCKS AT DOOR)
Yes?
General Bullivar. Yes.
There's a Professor Jones who wishes to see you.
I know. I know. Tell him to wheel it in.
Wheel what in, sir?
A death ray, or whatever it is he thinks he's invented.
He doesn't have anything with him, sir. Not even a briefcase.
Oh, one of those quiet ones, huh?
Well, I guess there's no use delaying it. Send him in.
Yes, sir
Professor Jones, sir
Hello there, how are you?
So you're the fellow that's come all the way from California just to talk to us.
Yes, sir. I'm delighted to meet you, Professor.
Thank you, General. Sit down. Sit down. Make yourself comfortable.
(CLEARS THROAT) Well, thank you very much.
Well, did you have a pleasant trip?
Most pleasant, thanks.
And how are you enjoying your visit to the capital?
Well, I only arrived this morning...
Now, take my advice, don't miss the Lincoln Memorial.
It's a very moving experience. It brings tears to my eyes every time I see it.
Well, I'm sure it's most impressive. Have a cigar.
What? No, thank you. Do you mind if I get right to the point?
Oh, yes, of course. The colonel mentioned something about a new weapon.
Well, it's not exactly a weapon
Oh? Well, what is it? A gun, a bomb?
Would you be interested in a method to immobilize,
even destroy, as you choose, every living thing within range of vision?
Ships, tanks, planes
How do you intend to go about this?
Light rays? Sound vibrations? Black magic?
Yes.
Yes, what?
Black magic. You see, I'm a human weapon.
Now, look, Professor, I do not have the time to stand around making jokes.
I'm not joking, I assure you.
A human weapon! Are you serious?
I've never been mo re serious in my life
You see...
(LAUGHING)
I see. I see.
You're some sort of a magician, huh?
What?
Look, I'm afraid they've sent you to the wrong department.
Now what you want is the Entertainment Division of Special Services.
I'll make one little phone call and settle this whole thing for you.
No! Wait! Wait!
Now, get me Colonel...
General! I can prove it.
Never mind.
All right, prove it.
Excuse me.
(AIRPLANE WHIRRING)
Look. That airplane up there.
Uh-huh.
Now watch this. I'm watching
You see?
Wonderful! Marvelous!
Now watch this.
Uh-huh.
There. And the secret lies in this ancient coin.
In that coin? Well, well, well
And you see, this makes it possible to...
You know, this is a marvelous little inventi you have here, Professor.
Well, it's not exactly an invention...
I'll tell you what I'm going to do.
I'm going to have my secretary help you fill out
form number W5A16, in quadruplicate...
But, sir... This will be filed
and duly considered at the next meeting of the Chiefs of Staff.
How long before I hear from you?
Well, the next meeting is sometime in December.
December! Yes, yes.
Of course, anything suggested at that meeting
will have to be forwarded onto higher echelons.
But this power of mine is immediate...
Well, of course, I believe that if you leave your name and address,
you can expect to receive some sort of communication from us
after the first of the year.
What sort of communication? Well, now...
General, don't you think the state of world conditions today
demands that you take immediate...
I think that you're absolutely right,
and we are wasting time standing here talking about it.
Yes, we are.
I'm glad that we see eye to eye.
And I will start the wheels in motion right now.
Corporal, I want you to drop everything
and help Professor Jones here fill out form W5A16.
Thank you, Professor.
No, sir, but, General...
Please sit down, Professor. This may take a while.
Well, thanks, but don't bother.
But what about form W5A16?
You tell the general that he can...
Oh, never mind.
I beg your pardon. Don't I know you?
No, I don't believe so. My name is Hugh Fundy.
What is that, may I ask?
This? This is a death ray.
Oh. Well, good luck.
(GROANS)
Uncle Jonathan, I didn't expect you home tonight.
Well, I decided to cut my trip short.
Hey, you're all dressed up. How come?
For the farewell dinner for the dean, you remember.
Gee, it's nice you returned in time for it.
Yeah, I'd better change. I won't be five minutes.
Well, I'll meet you at the country club.
Can't you wait while I change?
Well, gee, Uncle Jonathan, I expected you to be out of town tonight,
(CAR HONKING) and I told Jimmy I'd go with him. And there he is.
Bye, see you at the club. There's sauerkraut juice in the fridge.
I'm coming!
(DOOR CLOSES)
Virginia!
(PHONE RINGING)
Hello. Oh, hello, Virginia?
Jonathan.
Oh, Jonathan, you're back. So soon?
Yeah, I got homesick, I guess.
Say, the reason I'm calling, I...
I thought I might escort you to the farewell dinner tonight.
Well, I'm awfully sorry, but I was sure you'd be away and I...
Well, I accepted an invitation to go with Horatio.
Horatio. Kellgore?
Well, yes. You see...
Oh, I'm sorry. Now, please try to understand.
Oh, I understand. I understand perfectly.
Oh, Jonathan.
Bye.
Well, here we are.
Dean Updike, of course, and Mrs. Updike,
Professor Adams, the principal
and, Virginia, I want you to sit there,
and of course, I shall occupy the speaker's chair.
Is everything satisfactory, Professor Kellgore?
Oh, yes. Yes, it seems to be.
Of course, this is a very special occasion, you understand.
I want everything exactly right. I've made myself personally responsible.
Of course.
Perhaps I may have the waiter bring you a cocktail before the others arrive?
No, no. It might relax me too much.
(LAUGHS) Have to make a speech right after dinner.
Yes. Good evening.
Hello. Hi, Dad. Hello, Professor Fenster.
Hello, Jimmy. Hello, Cynthia.
Just in time, James. Good evening, Cynthia.
I'm so sorry your uncle won't be able to make it tonight.
Better check the wine.
Oh, but he's back. I told him to meet us here.
I know, dear, but when I talked to h im on the phone just now,
he said he was too exhausted from his tri p, that he wouldn't come.
Virginia, would you check the guest list?
It's a good thing, if you ask me.
What do you mean?
Well, we all want everythi to be nice for the dean's farewell dinner, don't we?
Are you implying that my Uncle Jonathan...
Look, don't get be nt out of shape. Your uncle's okay.
I guess. But everybody kno he's a little bit kooks.
Kooks! Yeah.
Well, like that night he chased us in Professor Fenster's car.
And, well, you heard about those mice, didn't you?
Jimmy Kellgore, if you...
Oh, forget it. Let's sit down, huh?
James? Yeah, Dad?
Would you come here?
Excuse me.
Yeah, Dad?
Now, James, I want to caution you about the way you behave tonight.
No raucousness or ungentlemanly behavior.
Oh, sure, Dad.
This is a very important evening, you understand.
The dean still hasn't named a successor,
and his decision could stand or fall on the impression that I create at the dinner.
Understand? I dig.
Don't... Speak English.
(LAUGHS) Oh, dear.
Good evening, my dear Dean.
Professor.
Good evening... Oh!
Mrs. Updike. May I say that you look dangerously lovely this evening?
(LAUGHS)
Professor Kellgore, you say the most awful things.
It was very nice of you to preside tonight, Kellgore.
Well, when I heard that Professor Jones would be absent,
I felt that someone had to take things in hand.
Yes, quite so. Poor Jones.
Excellent man, really, but... I'm sorry, my dear, I didn't mean to...
That's all right, sir.
Shall we sit down? The others should be along presently.
Dean, the chair of honor, of course. There you are
Get out of the way, will you?
Mrs. Updike, would you grace our table with your radiance?
Charmed.
"When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes
"I all alone beweep my outcast state."
Here's how.
"And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries,
"and look upon myself, and curse my fate."
Oh...
And speaking of our beloved dean's regretted departure from our midst
I would like to borrow an aphorism from the works of the great La Rochefoucauld.
The...
Hello, everybody. Sorry I'm late. Accept my apologies, Horatio.
Yes, yes. It's good to see you, Jones. Most unexpected.
Did you have a nice trip?
Fantastic.
I hope you didn't miss the Lincoln Memorial, a very moving experience
Brings tears to my eyes every time I see it.
(LAUGHS)
Yeah, well, if you don't mind, just sit down, please.
Yes.
Traitor.
Jonathan, you...
n. Don't bother to explai
(GLASS TINKLING)
My dear friends...
Friends?
(SCOFFS)
My dear and true friends,
although I usually abstain from intoxicating spirits,
I would on this occasi on like to indulge
in sort of a token sip of this ceremonial champagne
It is indeed fitting that I propose a toast
to our beloved dean.
And put into words the true feelings in my heart...
JONATHAN: Zotz!
(DISTORTED) Your knowledge
has been a guiding hand
for all these many years
building towards dedication
to something recognized
the whole world over
in the tremendous force
of the noble language.
And so on this
emotional occasion...
(LAUGHING)
It's disgraceful. The man's making a drunken exhibition of himself.
I know, my dear, but what can I do?
Assert yourself.
(DISTORTED) ...hold this party
in recognition...
Yes, yes, Kellgore. Very nice indeed of you.
Thank you.
But I haven't finished yet.
Thank you, Kellgore. That will be all.
(DISTORTED GROANING)
I'm sure what my colleague, Professor Kellgore, means to say
is something which all of us feel in our hearts,
but find very difficult to express
Simply ave atque vale.
Hail and farewell.
ALL: Hail and farewell.
Hail and farewell.
Hail.
Thank you, Jonathan. Thank you very much.
It's good to have you among us again.
And now, for heaven's sake, let's enjoy ourselves.
(CHATTERING)
Professor Jones?
Yes, I'm Jones.
A gentleman to see you, sir, just inside the main entrance.
To see me? Yes, sir.
Oh, very well. Excuse me.
Who is kooks now?
Here, sir.
Thank you.
Professor Jones? Yes.
Jonathan Jones?
That's right
(SIGHS) Well, I'm sure glad I was able to find you so quickly.
My name is Bates, Josh Bates.
What can I do for you, Mr. Bates?
Well, it's more a question of what we can do for you.
I'm with the government, Professor.
Ah...
And I've been sent to bring you back to Washington.
I see. Well, perhaps first thing tomorrow morning.
No, sir. Now.
Now?
Yes, sir. Nobody knows better than yourself, sir, how important this matter is.
Yes, but I... And how timely.
Well, that's true.
However, my friends and family in there...
And how secret, Professor.
Why, if you were to tell the that you were flying back to Washington tonight,
word might leak out.
You have a point, Mr. Bates.
Still, if I could just have a few seconds with my niece, I...
There isn't time, Professor.
Please, sir. The plane is waiting.
Well, you can phone your niece later.
All right, Mr. Bates. Let's go.
(CAR ENGINE STARTING)
Very powerful plane.
Only the best for you, Professor.
Yes, very interesting.
I don't know what happened, but I had a feeling like I was floating.
Cynthia, where's your uncle?
I don't know.
I must get a checkup, you know. I'm sick, I think. Really.
Excuse me.
Where are you going, Professor?
(CHUCKLES)
Mr. Bates. Yes?
You are, you said, with the government?
That's right, Professor.
What government?
You will learn the answer to that question very soon.
I was afraid of that.
Oh, you need be afraid of nothing, Professor.
You are to be our honored guest.
But not in Washington?
Not, as you say, in Washington.
But this is preposterous! Why are your people interested in me?
Something about an ancient coin.
What coin?
The one with the secrets.
What secrets?
(LAUGHS) I neither know nor care.
Atomic secrets, I suppose, hidden inside it,
or something of that nature.
I will relieve you of that object.
(GROANING)
You will not do that again.
Oh, no? Why won't I?
Because we have taken certain precautions.
What kind of precautions?
I will tell you.
I see.
That's right, Professor.
If anything happens to me, or to this plane,
my comrade, Igor, has orders...
I understand.
That is good
When we reach our destination,
you will reveal to us the secrets of this coin
Until that time, I will take charge of it
What?
The coin!
Oh. Oh, yes, the coin.
Give it to me.
You don't think I carry a thing like that around with me, do you?
What?
It's in a hiding place back in Saracen Valley.
Back in...
You'll have to turn the plane around.
Why, I don't know if we can...
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
It will be dangerous for us to return.
Dangerous for your niece and Professor Fenster,
since we are expected at our destination at a specified time,
and if we do not arrive, certain instructions will be radioed to Igor.
Therefore, I assume that you will allow me to search you
in order to make absolutely sure that a return is necessary.
You're right. The coin is not on you.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Now, then, where is this coin? At your home?
No.
Then, where?
First, you must take me to the place
where my niece and Virginia Fenster are being held prisoner.
Before I give you anything, I must make sure they're unharmed.
Capitalist pig! It is I who make the bargains here, not you.
Now, remember this, Bates, or whatever your name is.
If those two ladies are hurt you'll have no threat to hold over my head.
And you will no longer be able to force me to co-operate with you.
Now, where are they?
The cellar of an office building in your city.
What building?
The Consolidated Building.
Then I suggest you instruct your friend to step on the gas.
(BOTH SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Oh, and one more thing, Mr. Bates
Yes?
I hope you realize that if we don't get there in time,
and your friend receives his radio orders to harm those two ladies,
there will be absolutely nothing to prevent my using that secret weapon
on you again, do you understand?
I understand.
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
(BUZZING)
(MAN SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
No! No!
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Cynthia. Virginia. Are you all right? Thank God.
Well, Professor, are you satisfied that the ladies are unharmed?
We will go now and get that coin.
Yes, I am satisfied the ladies are unharmed.
And it is now my pleasure to inform you that you are completely within my power.
What?
I withheld that power only to save them. The hands.
But now... Something about the hands.
Igor!
Let me...
Ow!
I don't know what this secret weapon of yours is, or how you operate it.
I suppose it's some mechanism concealed in your clothes,
but I did observe that in order to activate it, you had to raise your arms.
And unless I'm gravely mistaken, I have now rendered you powerless.
It's no use, Professor, that tape is very strong.
Now, shall we go and get that coin?
All right. You win.
Very sensible. After you, sir.
May I say goodbye to my niece?
(LAUGHS)
I'm a civilized man. Of course you may.
Thank you.
Uncle Jonathan.
(SOFTLY) Listen, if you and Virginia make a run for it, they won't follow.
They're more interested in me. Get to the police and bring them back here.
But... Do as I say.
All right, Jones. That's enough.
You and I will go for the coin.
Igor will remain here with the ladies in the event that...
Run! Hurry! Run!
Don't you want that coin?
I've got it! It's in my pocket. I've had it all the time.
You're lying.
Am I?
I've searched you.
Not well enough.
Well, if you really have i throw it to me.
With my hands like this? Uh-uh. If you want it, come and get it.
Zotz!
Jones, I warn you. I want that coin!
You'll have to take it!
May I remind you that you are now powerless?
Jones, I want that coin.
I'll give you till the count of three.
One...
Bates, listen.
No discussions, please. Just the coin. Two...
I... I...
Three! Zotz!
Amazing phenomenon, Bates, isn't it?
(SPEAKING RUSSIAN)
Zotz!
Take your time, Igor. Just take your time.
Wouldn't you know it? Not a cop in sight.
Stop this silly game, Professor.
Give me the coin and no harm will come...
No!
Professor, don't be ridiculous!
You'll fall.
Don't worry about me.
(SCREAMING)
Zotz!
Stop! Stop, I say!
Zotz!
That's it.
Zotz!
It's no use. You are powerless without that coin!
Bates, I warn you.
(SHUSHING)
(WHISPERING) The slightest noise or vibration...
(SNEEZES)
(COIN TINKLING)
(WATER SPLASHES)
(GULPS)
What are your plans no w, Professor Zotz?
The name is Jones, young man. Jonathan Jones.
And my plans are to return to Saracen Valley College on the next plane
and begin my duties as the new dean of languages.
General Bullivar, do you think the coin will be recovered?
Well, it's hard to say.
It might have floated all the way out into the Pacific. Needle in a haystack.
However, we're using maximum effort, radar, sonar, loren, submarines...
The newest type of magnetic devices.
Oh, modern science is a wonderful thing.
My personal opinion is that we stand an even chance
of regaining the coin for the good of humanity.
What do you think, Professor?
Well, I agree with the general
I think the chances are excellent that the coin will be found.
Bye, General. Thanks again for your hospitality
Thank you for overlooking the unfortunate circumstances of our first meeting.
That's a private joke, gentlemen.
Our congratulations again. I know that you two are going to be very happy.
Goodbye, sir. Come, Mrs. Jones
We have time for just one short visit before we catch the plane.
Visit? With whom?
Someone that we both should meet, I think
Goodbye, sir. Goodbye.
Gentlemen. Goodbye, General
Bye-bye. JONATHAN: Bye.
For once, Horatio Kellgore and I see eye to eye.
Zotz all!